You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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