i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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