The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
