Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
