Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
