she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
