I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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