did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
