I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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