I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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