We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
