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I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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