i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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