I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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