i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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