I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
