Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
