my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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