Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
