all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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