it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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