At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
