God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Randomize
