11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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