yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I will be naked everywhere
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
