I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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