Sponge bath it is.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
