I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
