Cold hands, warm shart.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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