remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
