I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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