Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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