i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
