my phone needs a breathalizer
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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