Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
