I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
