It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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