I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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