Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You were trust falling into bushes
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
