You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
