I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
