Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
