They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
