homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
