it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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