Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
