just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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