wat bout pragnant strippers??
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
