so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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