There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
