Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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