ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
