if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
